The Best Years of Your Life… Now!

I am convinced that the fear of happiness is the result of a conditioning process.

Happiness is a form of passion.

It is a “letting go and surrendering to” kind of experience. The problem is all to often as children we are reprimanded, criticized or punished when we have “let go” and indulged in unrestricted fits of happiness.

So what happens? We associate our natural healthy desire for happiness, which is for all intents and purposes the process of finding our passion with an activity that will ultimately bring us a negative outcome. We avoid anything that brings us emotional pain or discomfort. If we have been conditioned to feel bad, because someone told us it was wrong to feel the joyful out of control feeling that comes with being happy, then it’s no surprise that we may justify living a life with little real happiness. The worst case is actually believing that this empty life is the way we are supposed to live… A so-called “normal life”.

The net result is the lack of passion and a fear of happiness.

You don’t look for happiness and you become concerned about experiencing it. Your fear of upsetting your current “applecart” is so great you create layer upon layer of rationale. It effectively acts as a fence keeping the potentially life changing effects of happiness distanced from your life.

That ongoing conditioning results in you justifying and accepting a life which is very controlled, predictable and consistent. You do what you believe you are expected to do. You live a life where joy and fulfillment are always second to the maintaining of your “responsibilities”. Happiness becomes little more than a dull calm instead of the source of energy it is supposed to be.

The first responsibility you have is to live a life where joy and fulfillment is your priority.

Every medical and mental health authority backs up the notion that people who are happy and fulfilled tend to be in better physical and mental health. It should be no surprise that the largest single class of prescribed drugs happens to be anti-depressants!

You can’t cure repressed or denied joy and fulfillment with a drug.

-Bob Baran

How do you change behavior?

There is only one way to change behavior: Alter the “flavor” of emotion associated with that behavior. Outside of a physical addiction to a particular substance all other behaviors are emotion based. As I described in the last blog, you engage in a behavior because on some level it is pleasurable.

What if the behavior you engage in no longer serves your best interest?

I have found two approaches that bring the best results when they are used together and consistently until you have succeeded in changing the behavior.

First: You must become fully present and aware of the behavior. Much of our behavior is an automatic reaction (habit) to a given situation rather than a reaction resulting from a consideration of the circumstances and the best solution to those circumstances. In other words, we don’t think we act. So the first step is becoming aware of a situation before your automatic response kicks in. This is going to take some practice so be patient with yourself.

Second: You must consciously associate the undesirable behavior with a “flavor” of emotion which is also undesirable. This is actually a two-step process. In the first step you are going to have to connect the feeling of the outcome of the behavior with the activity itself which may still be pleasurable to you on some level.

Remember the statement I made in the previous blog about people continuing to behave in a certain way even though the outcome of that behavior is not what they expect or want? You’ve got to connect that (bad) feeling with the behavior. As you begin to consciously do this you will naturally want to avoid the (bad) feelings that will be associated with that behavior.

The second step is going to require you to replace that (bad) behavior with behavior that feels good and is pleasurable. The sense of personal power that comes from feeling “in control” because you no longer automatically engage in (bad) behavior is a great source of pleasure and over time your mind will always seek that pleasure over anything which makes it feel pain…

-Bob Baran

It boils down to one word: Emotion.

How you feel about what you are thinking and doing always determines your behavior. If you feel good about it you will naturally embrace it. You will want to connect to it and make it a part of your reality. It will be an activity you look forward to because it gives you pleasure.

On the other hand, if you do not feel good about what you are thinking or doing you will disconnect yourself from it. You will move away from it, avoid it and even deny it rather than confront or interact with it. Our first reaction pain or potential pain is to avoid it.

Even habits, those little scripts which determine your automatic actions and reactions are based upon connecting to what feels good. Habits are usually created at some point in time because the action is pleasurable. We connected with those actions because they gave us the feeling we desired, not necessarily the outcome we desired.

This is an important distinction to make.

It explains why you will continue certain behavior even though the results may be undesirable or even painful. This happens because on some level you find the activity of the behavior pleasurable, familiar and safe. This explains why individuals with self-destructive obsessions and addictions will continue the behavior. Their connection to the pleasure far outweighs the negative ramifications of the activity.

The intellect alone does not have the persuasive power necessary to change behavior. Just because you think the behavior will cause some kind of problem is not enough to actually stop you from engaging in that behavior.

An obsessive or addict will disconnect from the reality of the negative outcome until until it results in an unalterable change to their day to day reality… which finally interrupts the continuation of the obsession or addiction.

How do you modify behavior?

I’ll address that question in my next blog posting.

-Bob Baran

I’ve noticed an interesting phenomenon:

Some people structure their lives so that every waking minute is occupied with some type of activity. You name it and they are doing it. Of course there have been times in my life where it seemed like every moment was occupied too. But these were phases of activity not an ongoing lifestyle.

The danger of a merry-go-round lifestyle is obvious: What happens when the merry-go-round grinds to a halt? Suddenly you are no longer having your time occupied with endless “activities” …You are all alone, depressed and in a strange place! That place is the unexplored world of “yourself”.

When you look back over time and realize nothing of any long lasting value had come from all those activities you begin to realize that something is missing in your life. Then one day you have an epiphany! You don’t know who you really are…

This is when your life really begins!

The “inner voyage” of self-discovery is an ongoing activity which pays untold dividends for the rest of your life …And it is an adventure that never ends regardless of your age.

You will begin to understand how life really works and the integral part you play in the process. You will come to realize that your true destiny was always the enlightenment and freedom that comes from knowing who you are and what you are.

The greatest byproduct of self-discovery? Finally knowing in your heart that anything is possible… and having the confidence and knowingness to make anything you desire a reality!

-Bob Baran

The question I left you with on yesterday’s blog was: How do you create a shared reality from your personal alternate reality?…

Here’s the process:

As soon as I shared my thoughts about “getting serious about building the garage” with Gwen it became a new shared reality within our personal shared alternate reality.

Does this sound complicated to you? Look, each one of us continuously generates a personal alternate reality. When two people share the same alternate reality it becomes a shared personal alternate reality.

Every family has it’s own shared alternate reality. Friends share an alternate reality with each other.

Let’s say you have a great pizza recipe you’ve shared with family and friends. That recipe and the pizza it creates is a shared personal alternate reality.

Open a restaurant in order to sell the pizza and you have created a shared reality. It’s no longer personal or alternate. It now has the potential of altering the perception of reality of everyone who comes into contact with it… and if all goes well they will believe it’s the best pizza they’ve ever tasted!

The process of taking an idea, which is living within your personal alternate reality, into a shared reality, requires two steps:

1. The idea or dream which is a personal alternate reality must first transform itself into a shared alternate reality. This is usually accomplished with the help of individuals you have a personal relationship with.

CAUTION: For some people this can be a minefield! If those you attempt to share your idea with fail to accept it as part of their reality, you may become discouraged and drop any further consideration or action in support of the idea.

On the other hand, if you find a positive, supportive reception it can further energize the idea.

2. The next step is to transform the shared alternate reality into a shared reality. To do this it must be exposed to people other than your family and friends.

When I launched my record label with Gwen a few years ago, the music, the album covers, the business name (Gathering Wave ®) all lived as an alternate shared reality until the day we went public. When we opened our doors for business it became a shared reality which grew in size with each person who came in contact with it. Now my music is available all over the world!

In order to take an idea or dream and turn it into a shared reality you must ultimately share it with other people who in turn acknowledge it as part of their shared reality. This doesn’t mean everyone is going to love your idea or dream. It means that they accept it as a “real thing”.

-Bob Baran